This is a great article with practical advice on controlling your emotions during a difficult conversation.
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Let’s face it: controlling your emotions during a difficult conversation is challenging. Disagreements can feel threatening. You’re afraid you’re going to have to give up something — your point of view, the way you’re used to doing something, the notion that you’re right, or maybe even power – and your body therefore ramps up for a fight by triggering the sympathetic nervous system.
This reaction is natural, our bodies and minds struggle to differentiate between the stress of a project disagreement and a bear attack. Your heart rate and breathing increase, your muscles tighten, and blood moves away from your organs, making you uncomfortable.
None of this puts you in the right frame of mind to resolve a conflict. If your body goes into “fight or flight” mode or what Dan Goleman called “amygdala hijack,” you lose access to the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking.
The ability to make rational decisions is precisely what you need when it comes to controlling your emotions during a difficult conversation. Not only are you losing the ability to think clearly but chances are your counterpart notices the signs of stress — your face turning red, the pace of your speech speeding up — and, because of mirror neurons that cause us to “catch” the emotions of another person, your colleague is likely to start feeling the same way. Before you know it, the conversation has derailed and the conflict intensifies.
Fortunately, you can interrupt this physical response, controlling your emotions for a productive discussion. Here are several strategies to stay calm or regain composure if you get worked up:
Breathe
When it comes to controlling your emotions, don’t underestimate how simple mindfulness techniques can be your best friend in tense situations and none is more straightforward and accessible than using your breath. So when you start noticing yourself getting tense, focus on your breathing. Notice the sensation of air coming in and out of your lungs. Feel it pass through your nostrils or down the back of your throat. This will take your attention off the physical signs of panic and keep you centered. Some mindfulness experts suggest counting your breath — either inhaling and exhaling for a count of 6, for example, or just counting each exhale until you get to 10 and then starting again.
Focus On Your Body
Sitting still when you’re trying to control your emotions can make the emotions build up rather than dissipate. Experts say that standing up and walking around helps to activate the thinking part of your brain. If you and your counterpart are seated at a table, you may be hesitant to suddenly stand up. Fair enough. Instead, you might say, “I feel like I need to stretch. Mind if I walk around a bit?” If that still doesn’t feel comfortable, you can do small physical things like crossing two fingers or placing your feet firmly on the ground and noticing what the floor feels like on the bottom of your shoes.
Mindfulness experts call this “anchoring.” It works in all kinds of stressful situations. For example, for a long time, I was afraid of flying, but I found that counting while touching each of my fingers with my thumb helped to get me out of my rumination mode.
Try Saying A Mantra
Amy Jen Su, managing partner of Paravis Partners and coauthor of Own the Room, suggests using a calming phrase. Some clients find “Go to neutral” helpful. Other options include “This isn’t about me,” “This will pass,” or “This is about the business.”
Acknowledge And Label Your Feelings
Another useful tactic for controlling your emotions comes from Susan David, author of Emotional Agility. When you’re feeling emotional, “the attention you give your thoughts and feelings crowds your mind; there’s no room to examine them,” she says. To distance yourself from the feeling, label it. “Call a thought a thought and an emotion an emotion,” says David.
He is so wrong about that and it’s making me mad becomes I’m having the thought that my coworker is wrong, and I’m feeling anger. Labelling like this allows you to see your thoughts and feelings for what they are: “transient sources of data that may or may not prove helpful.” When you put that space between these emotions and you, it’s easier to let them go — and not bury them or let them explode.
Take A Break
In my experience, this is a far-underused approach. The more time you give yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be and the more successful you will be in controlling your emotions. So when things get heated, you may need to excuse yourself for a moment — get a cup of coffee or a glass of water, go to the bathroom, or take a brief stroll around the office.
Be sure to give a neutral reason for why you want to stand up and pause the conversation — the last thing you want is for your counterpart to think that things are going so badly you’re desperate to escape. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’d love to get a quick cup of coffee before we continue. Can I get you something while I’m up?”
Keep in mind that you’re probably not the only one who’s upset. Your counterpart is likely to express anger or frustration too. While you may want to give them the above advice, no one wants to be told they need to breathe more deeply or take a break. So you may be in a situation where you just need to let the other person vent.
That’s usually easier said than done though. It’s hard not to yell back when you’re being attacked, but that’s not going to help. Jeanne Brett, a professor of dispute resolution and negotiations at Kellogg School of Management, suggests visualizing your coworker’s words going over your shoulder, not hitting you in the chest. But don’t act aloof; it’s important to show that you’re listening. If you don’t feed your counterpart’s negative emotions with your own, it’s likely they will wind down.
Controlling Your Emotions During Difficult Conversations – Final Thoughts
The reality is that conflicts with coworkers can be tough. But you’re not going to solve the underlying issues or maintain a positive relationship if you barrel through the conversation when you’re completely worked up. Hopefully, these five tactics will help you move from angry and upset to cool as a cucumber.
If you struggle with conflict and controlling your emotions during difficult conversations, consider enlisting the help of a conflict coach, reach out to us – we’re here to help.
Visit our page on conflict coaching to learn more about the benefits of conflict coaching.
Article source: Harvard Business Review
Emotion can be the enemy, if you give into your emotion, you lose yourself. You must be at one with your emotions, because the body always follows the mind —
Bruce Lee